The second goal

So in an effort to not look at the big picture I have been setting small 20 lb goals for myself.  I am proud to say that I have now lost 80lbs and have reached my second goal of 250lbs!!!

The slight depression has relatively cleared up but does tend to rear its ugly head when I have a bad food day.  For the most part I am good.  So it's on to my 3rd goal.  I'm gonna keep trucking to 230lbs and then life may change again as who knows what will happen!!

A first Thanksgiving

I have wanted to do another post for like the last week but just hadn't time to actually sit and type it.  I have been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks actually because I have been having a hard time dealing with some things lately.  I went to the doctors a couple of weeks ago and told him that I was feeling kind of down because I was missing food.  I said that it's not the fact that I can't eat the food it's because I can't eat the food the way that I want too.  For example I can eat a burger without the bun and no fries but what I would truly enjoy right now is the whole experience of a good burger fixings and all and a side of fries.  I am figuring that I am going through what I would have gone through last year if I hadn't gotten pregnant and he seemed to agree.  So this truly was my first Thanksgiving with the band.  Oh and by the way I did just fine and I had my turkey and ham and all the trimmings and it was good even if it was at work and not my family!  Oh and for the update I'm at officially 253 lbs. and have lost 77 lbs.  and I am 3 lbs from my second goal of 250! To which I cannot even remember the last time I was that weight.  I'm thinking maybe 10 yrs ago??

Another first Thanksgiving is the fact that it's Steve's first with the band as well.  He is doing well I think but he hasn't been adjusted yet but he will be in a few weeks.  He's been losing weight and was 12 lbs done when he went in for his first checkup.  He doesn't like to talk about it too much so that's all I will say about that! Ha Ha!

The last first but certainly not least is Aaron's first Thanksgiving.  He is almost 7 months old now and really really trying to crawl forward that is.  He has the rolling and the moving backwards down pat but he just can't seem to get it all coordinated yet with going forward.  I know it's gonna be soon and can't wait.  He continues to be the joy of our lives and is always keeping me entertained.  I definitely do miss him when I have to work but it's all best in the end as the days I get to spend with him are priceless! 

All in all it was a bunch of firsts for all of us this Thanksgiving season and knowing that this holiday went well the future doesn't seem so dim and I'm actually looking forward to the Christmas season!

A continuing saga

I have been missing foods like crazy lately and the only reason that I can think of as to why is I miss the experience.  I can eat anything that I want but the issue is I always have to modify the meal in some way.  I can't sit and eat a big burger and fries or Portillo's beef because I can't eat the bread.  So for me I have to deconstruct the meal and only eat parts of it oh and fries are definitely out of the question.  I do have some good news though as of this morning I am down a total of 76 lbs!  That makes me feel better overall and my surgeon is just as thrilled that I have lost that much so fast.  He told me on Thursday that he normally looks for his patients to lose about 70 lbs in a year and he's so impressed with me because I have done 76 in 6 months! So for me there is great news and not so great news as I still miss food.

On another note Steve is doing great in fact I think he is doing better than I did when I had the surgery!  He bounced back so fast and when he had his post op appointment he had already last 12 lbs!  I am so proud of him one for going through the surgery and two for being able to bounce back so quickly after having the surgery!

So together we continue this journey and I know this is all for the best as we will both be healthier for keeping up with our 6 month old.

A new chapter

Today is going to be an interesting day.  All the while I have been struggling with living the "band life" I had no idea well some idea that my husband was watching me and struggling with decision himself as to whether or not he wanted to go through the same stuff that I do.  Well about 3 months ago he decided that for Aaron he wanted to go through with it.  He chose to do the lap band as well.

I don't know exactly what his thoughts are on the whole subject he tends not to be very vocal about those things.  Don't get me wrong we talk about things but there are certain subjects that he just doesn't talk much about and his weight is a big one.  So today at 1:30 this afternoon his life will change forever.  I for him hope that he will have the same success as I have been having and that by Christmas he will have dropped about 30-40 lbs.  I know that he will be happy and I will be happy for him.  One thing he recently told me while he was spending the day with Aaron was that he was so thankful to me for giving him Aaron and that he loved us both immensely!  He is the best!

So pray for both of us as we continue on this journey now as we together head towards a healthier lifestyle and that because of this we will both be able to enjoy that little boy that our Great Creator has brought into our lives.

Never doubt!

I have learned in the last week that no matter what happens don't ever doubt!  I stepped on the scale yesterday and I was at 259!!  I have broke through that 260 mark and I couldn't be happier.  The bummer of it all is now I have to deal with my baby having a cold but compared to each other the cold ain't so bad.  I also went jean shopping yesterday with my best friend and thank god for her because she sat with Aaron while I went and shopped.

I have to hand it to the wonderful women at Lane Bryant in Bolingbrook without them I wouldn't have been able to see myself in the size that I bought!  First things first sizes I was a size 26 pants and a 30/32 shirt for the most part but it always depends on the cut of the piece.  I see myself as a pear shape and I carry most of my weight in my stomach.  I think the hardest part of putting on a new pair of jeans is seeing the person that I have become and not the person that I was.  It's hard not to see myself at 330lbs instead of 259lbs.  So like I said I have to hand it to the women at Lane Bryant who convinced me to try on a size 20 when I thought I was a size 22 and the most shocking part that I FIT into a size 20! I ended up buying two new size 20 pairs of jeans and what I enjoy most about them was how fitted they were.  They really compliment my skinny legs and even accent places that I never thought needed accenting. So here I sit in my new jeans confident (ok semi-confident) that I look good.

The difficult part of yesterday was lunch at chili's with my BFF.  I ordered soup and salad and maybe had 6 bites between the two and no matter what I did nothing helped. Usually I have no problems especially with soup but yesterday was a problem.  I at one point said to my friend that the hardest part of living with the band is you really miss sometimes the foods you no longer can eat.  In my life french fries and the reason I say that is because there were two women eating in the booth across the way from us both eating french fries and I found out that is something that I truly miss a lot.  When I think of all the foods I can't eat anymore I get a little depressed but then I think of my babykins that I did this for in the first place and I look at it as something that I can live without.  While I struggle daily with the life that I chose I see that baby and know that I did it all for him and his little brother or sister that will at some point come into our lives (no not pregnant currently).  For that it makes this whole journey a whole lot more worth it!

New Clothes

So here I am in the present day as of this morning I'm weighing in at 262 lbs and have lost just 2 lbs shy of 70 and now am toying with the idea of buying a few new pieces of clothing.  I must tell you that this terrifies me more than anything that I have gone through with this entire surgical process.

I just recently went out to visit some very close to my heart friends and while there went shopping and happened upon a clothing store.  My friend said to me if you want we can go in and I had to agree.  Stepping into the store wasn't the worst part, the worst part was knowing if I found anything that I liked I would have to try it on and if I tried it on I felt like it would look terrible on me making me look super fat because it was too small.  Well I did find something I like, a pair of jeans that were two sizes smaller than what I would wear normally.  Ok so I tried them on and you know what they fit!  The best part was walking out of the dressing room and my friend telling me that I looked great!  That compliment made the whole experience that much better and knowing that my friend does read this I am going to send out a huge thank you for making my first shopping experience a great one!

The one thing that I have noticed in the last few weeks is the scale is not going down as fast as it once was and that in part is my fault as I have finished breastfeeding and therefore the calories don't get burned off as fast as they once used too.  This little fact is a little discouraging as I would have liked the weight to keep "falling" off but I know that I wasn't going to nurse forever so I had to get it done with.  I have decided that now is a good time to start getting involved with a gym and start working out.  I haven't done this before because it was just too difficult as I was just too heavy and any little workout would leave super sore and achy.  I for the most part deal with lots of aches and pains daily and I think that this would just because the weight is being redistributed on my hips and legs.  I have talked with another friend of my that has had the lap band and has lost approximately 90 lbs and she says that her biggest pain was in the hips and legs as well.   I also know that I need to find a personal trainer for at least the first couple of times that I go to help me establish a routine and what I need to do.

I have good food days and bad food days.  When it's good I can eat almost anything without having any problems but when it's bad I can barely eat anything and spend most of my meal running back and forth from the bathroom trying again and again to eat but nothing works.  I have learned a lot through almost 18 months of living with the lap band.  I know that not only do I not regret my decision but am happy with the results and what it has taught me.

I wanted with this blog to share my weight loss journey from beginning to end.  My goal is to get down to approximately 180 lbs when all is said and done and this includes the plastic surgery that I know I will eventually need and going through at least one more pregnancy.  I have been able to put down the last 18 months into words and now want to focus on the here and now.  More to come as always!

Starting over

Those first few weeks after Aaron was born are pretty much a blur at this point.  I just remember sleeping when he slept being up at all hours of the day and night and learning that breastfeeding is not as easy as some people think.  Unfortunately for me I was unable to nurse Aaron but thankfully he was able to get the best of me through pumping.  I did sadly end up with a small infection in my incision but that was thankfully taken care of with a course of antibiotics.

I think during the first approximately 6 weeks I completely avoided the scale.  I was incredibly swollen in my legs during the first couple of weeks and didn't want to find out what my weight was.  I had decided to go and see my surgeon at about 8 weeks after Aaron was born.  I do remember stepping on the scale for the first time totally dreading it and pleasantly discovered that I had lost about 30 lbs about 6 1/2 weeks after he was born.

The first doctor appointment with my surgeon I was really nervous as to what the scale would show.  It was great when I stepped on and weighed in at 289 lbs.  I knew at that point two things that I would NEVER be over 300 lbs again and in eight weeks I had lost almost all of the baby weight that I had gained.  I gave credit to pumping and the fact that the baby kept me so busy that there were days that I barely ate.  My surgeon was very happy with how fast I had dropped most of the weight but still decided to adjust me.

The hardest part after that adjustment was relearning what I could and couldn't eat and how fast I could eat it.  I had gotten used to being able to eat pretty much whatever I wanted so it was really difficult at first readjusting to the lap band life.  There were days that I couldn't eat anything except liquids so I tried to make the most of it and made myself protein drinks so I could get not only the protein but calories so I didn't go completely hungry.  I tried to start stepping on the scale once a week just to keep tabs on my weight loss and I did go down a few pounds at a time each week which was a good thing for me.  I really enjoyed the comments that I was looking good and liked people noticing that my weight was going down.

I realized that basically I was starting over like I had just had surgery all over again.  I knew that my thoughts and feeling towards this surgery were going to change again and I would come to find out how much I both loved and hated this thing that was around my stomach controlling me and my food intake. 

9 months and a baby

For the most part my pregnancy was ok.  I had many ups and downs and if you asked Steve how I was during those nine months he would probably tell you I was completely crazy.  The one thing for me was there wasn't a day that went by that something did not hurt somewhere.  The hardest part of being pregnant?  Watching the scale go back up after I had worked so hard at making it go down.

I had lost 50 lbs before I got pregnant and was told because I had lost that much weight in approximately 3 months that it was inevitable.  I was truly excited about bringing a baby into the world as I have wanted one for so very long.  I couldn't imagine my life without my Aaron now but again that is another post.  The first few months went by quickly and what I remember most about those first 12 weeks was the first OB appointment which we got to see the heartbeat and my chest hurting all the time.  During that time I found out that I wasn't the only one around that was pregnant but for the most part I was one of the lucky ones as I had no morning sickness and pretty much other than my chest hurting had nothing else to really complain about.

The best part of the second trimester....hands down at about 12-13 weeks hearing my babies heartbeat for the first time.  I think during that appointment both Steve and I cried at that sound.  In fact I still have that recording on my phone and I do listen to it from time to time.  It became all too real and I was happy.  The worst part of the second trimester was a toss up between horrible sciatica pain and falling from slipping on ice at about 26 weeks.  Thankfully I was able to deal with both with physical therapy and luckily for me just bruising my hip during the fall.  The sciatica pain if you have never dealt with it before is like someone stabbing you in the butt cheek and the pain traveling down your leg.  I remember having to walk along the wall at work just in case my leg gave out so I would be able to grab onto something quickly if needed.  I also remember the first time that I felt the baby move.  I was at about 18 weeks and had just laid down to go to bed and all of a sudden I felt this wave of bubble wrap in my abdomen.  It was at that moment that I actually felt pregnant as I knew not only from ultrasound that I was I now could feel this tiny little being inside me.

Many of you don't know that I was classified as a high risk pregnancy and not necessarily due to the lap band but more because of my high blood pressure. The first two trimesters I didn't have much to do however the appointments almost tripled by the end of the pregnancy.  I the last month would see my regular OB once a week, the high risk OB once a week and had twice weekly non stress tests in which I would sit in a chair strapped to a baby monitor to see how the baby was doing.  Thankfully all was well and in the end it was well worth it.  I remember begging to be induced at the end as I was so tired and I hurt everywhere from my feet up and my head down.  I think that the only reason I made it to the end was one from the wonderful care of a great chiropractor that I found and the wonderful sanity of my husband.  The best thing at the end was my regular OB on April 29th said to me come to the hospital early tomorrow morning and we will induce you because your blood pressure is just to high for our liking.  So finally on May 1, 2010 at 6:23 in the morning after 23 hrs of labor and finally a c-section later our baby Aaron James weighing in at 8.1 lbs and 21 inches long came into our lives and changed us both forever.

I know that I haven't said much about my weight with this post but I really didn't want to relive it.  In the end I had gained the entire 50 lbs that I had lost back plus about 5 lbs.  I think at my last appointment I had weighed in at just under 335 lbs.  I avoided the scale and refused to look at the number.  I had stopped going to the surgeon as at that time there was no point in going and he told me to come back about 6 weeks after I had delivered.  I ate what I wanted and when I wanted depending on my cravings at any given moment.  I had a little difficulty at the end but I think that was just Aaron causing some problems.  In the end and after some thinking on my part I realized that after all was said and done everything that I had gone through it was totally worth it.  I was extremely blessed with a beautiful little boy who is the joy and love of my life.

Pregnancy?

As I have explained before when Steve and I got married children were not far from our minds.  We knew that we wanted to wait a little while before having children to give us and our marriage time to get used to each other.  Steve was my high school sweetheart and we have known each other now for about 16 years.  I think I knew from the beginning that we would get married.  We just fit together.  We knew how to laugh and how to love and as "tough" as Steve seems to be really he is just a big ole teddy bear!

The lap band changed our marriage a little and I truly believe with as heavy as Steve is there was some aspect of jealousy that he had when I started losing weight so rapidly.  I know during the first few months his weight went up as food became his crutch while my weight went down.

During the month of September I had gone to the surgeon and had hit a personal goal of mine of 50lbs lost.  I was truly excited but having children was still a far off thought in my mind.  I knew that I wanted kids soon but wasn't quite ready to be pregnant.  That would all change at 4:00 am on the morning of September 10, 2009.  That little stick that happened to be the thing that would completely change my life.  I was pregnant!  After only 3 months after surgery and 50lbs lost I was having a baby!!

I remember walking into our bedroom as Steve was still asleep and whispering to him that we were pregnant and had to laugh as he rolled over and went back to sleep.  I think for both of us it was a few days before it really sunk in and it was truly exciting to share with everyone our news!  I made the first appointment with the doctor and when we went in we found out that we were about 8 weeks pregnant at the time but I think that at this appointment was the time when it became truly real as during the ultrasound we were able to see our little babies heart beat going strong.

For me the hardest part was having to deal with knowing that I was pregnant and having to tell my surgeon that my weight loss was going to be put on hold for now.  As far as I know he was excited but a little disappointed with the fact that I was pregnant and for me that was the only person I was truly afraid of telling because I didn't know how he would react.  Now I knew that a new journey would begin and it would only be a short nine months until my life would again change.

A continuing saga

So as it goes I was in the middle of June with my weight loss journey.  I continued through the next couple of months going every six weeks to the doctor to be adjusted.  Stepping on the scale actually became my favorite thing to do.  I would randomly step on during the week and was amazed at how quickly the weight was coming off!  I was truly happy when the scale showed my at under 300 lbs and that day I swore never to be heavier than that again.  Unfortunately that wasn't going to happen but that is another post.  By the end of August I had lost approximately 45 lbs.  By all accounts I felt good and I felt better overall.  My body didn't hurt as much and my feet which always hurt at my heaviest didn't hurt at all anymore.

I could still generally eat what I wanted to but just had to control portion sizes.  It's definitely interesting when you go into a restaurant and order.  You get these huge entrees and you end up taking at least half sometimes more like 3/4 of it home with you because you are full.  I struggled mostly with what I needed to eat vs what I wanted to eat.  I had been able to eat out anywhere and eat what I wanted but now sometimes things would "stick".  You will hear me use that term a lot with each post.  It really just means that whatever I eat decides that it doesn't want to go through the band all that fast and the food will "stick" in the back of your throat. Not to sound gross but when the food sticks your done eating as you completely lose your appetite.  The solution to the sticking is only of of two things 1) it will go down eventually and when I say eventually it's like 30-60 minutes or 2) it comes back up on you and yes I mean throwing up.  My first problem was with a portillos sandwich at work.  I had been very careful about taking small bites but unfortunately that darn sandwich had me running to the bathroom just in the nick of time.  Yep and that's when I realized the hard part about having had the surgery.....you had to be careful.  So it might have been the first time that I did that but it definitely would not be the last.

So at the beginning of September I had gone in for one of my many followups and I had hit that 50lb mark.  I was thrilled and just wanted to be able to keep going that rapidly but things were about to change and when I say change I mean BIG change!!

The First Adjustment

I was a little nervous when it was time for my first adjustment, ok I was a lot nervous!  I really didn't know what to expect with the appointment.  Like any other doctors appointment I went and signed in and sat down to wait.  Finally my name was called and the adventure of adjustments and seeing the doctor began.

I went into this small little room and the dreaded scale loomed in front of me.  I was told by the nurse to step up.  I got on the scale with a little apprehension and low and behold I was down about 10 lbs!  This was actually quite exciting to me.  I didn't think I would lose that much in 6 weeks.  The rest of the little room was a little bit of a blur but blood pressure and the like was taken and at that time it was discovered that my blood pressure was through the roof!  I was like great something else to deal with.  Oh well I would have to deal with it later.  So I finished with the little room and it was off to one of the exam rooms to again wait.

After about 20 minutes my wonderful surgeon walks in and greets me and says to how great I have done by losing 10 lbs.  I at that point was happy but not ecstatic as I was kind of like big deal it's only 10 lbs.  So the appointment continued by him asking how I was doing and what I was eating and how much.  I answered his questions as honestly as I could and he told me what this adjustment would entail.  For those of you who don't know me very well I HATE needles.  Don't like them one bit.  First he took a small syringe with some numbing medication and numbed up the area and then he took a bigger needle and found the port that had been placed during surgery.  Once the needle was in the syringe was attached and fluid was placed in the band.

The only way I can describe the feeling of the first adjustment was nauseating.  He says to me that this can sometimes happen but I wasn't too sure.  The appointment came to a close with him making sure that everything was ok and having me drink some water to make sure the adjustment was good.  Then he bid me farewell and told me he would see me in six weeks.

Surgery

So I left off with getting ready to go into surgery for my lap band and for those of you out there who don't know what a lap band is it's in laymens terms like a tire with an inner tube.  The hard plastic "tire" goes around the upper portion of the stomach and the "inner tube" can later be adjusted via a port placed under the skin to further restrict the food intake.  I was like most people I think just plain nervous about having surgery as this was my first major surgery even though it was still laproscopic.  I didn't think much about actually having the band put in.  I went through the whole process saw the surgeon and anesthesiologist.  I think my biggest fear was actually having the tube put down my throat.  I have always had nightmares about not being able to get it out because I can't breathe on my own.  I guess I'm just weird!

I went in for surgery at about 130 in the afternoon.  The next thing I remember is being told it was all over and the recovery nurse telling me that they don't use that kind of language in the recovery room.  All I can say is I cannot be held accountable for things that I say under the influence of drugs!  I really didn't think much about the whole post operative process.  I wanted to go home but unfortunately I was there for the night.  I had some wonderful nurses and techs take care of me during my 26 hrs in the hospital.  Pain was good and I didn't have to take much pain medication which was a good thing as I had never been big on taking that stuff.

I guess the first thing would be to say that when you first eat after having the weight loss surgery all it is is liquids, clear liquids to be precise.  I got tired of jello and broth pretty quick and wanted more to eat but that was not a possibility.  It didn't really hit me that this was all for real and that I was being forced  into a new lifestyle with eating.  For those of you who do read this the real truth is that weight loss surgery is just a tool that helps with losing weight it doesn't do the losing for you.

The first couple of weeks were pretty easy.  I was off of work so I could focus on healing and getting better so that was a bonus.  The first week about is usually dedicated to both clear liquids (ie jello, broth, juice) and to full liquids (ie. plain yogurt, milk cream of wheat).  I think the hardest part about that whole first few weeks was having to measuring everything out and I mean everything except water.  The most that I could eat was just a few ounces at a time and I had to eat every few hours which was another difficult thing for me to get used too.  I am not a big three meals a day eater, I'm lucky if I get one or two but that is the business of my life.  I never felt that I had "buyers remorse" but it was a little tricky getting used to the whole idea of having to change my lifestyle. 

So I went along for the first 6 weeks with eating from liquids to pureed (and yes I really kind of skipped this part) to soft and finally to normal food.  Then the first appointment for adjustement loomed......

A little history

I guess I could say I got the inspiration for blogging from what I would call a close friend.  I decided to "come out of the closet" so to speak.  For the past year and a half I have been dealing with the ups and downs of dealing with a lap band. For the most part what that means is I have a band around the upper portion of my stomach to help me lose weight.  I don't usually speak about it or at least the ups and downs of having to deal with it.  So my decision to start blogging is coming from the need to maybe try and share what I have gone through the last 16 months. My plan is to be brutally honest including what my weight was and is currently along with what I have felt.  This may take some time for me to get used to but I think this is the way to go.

So to begin my story I start at the beginning.  I haven't always had a problem with my weight but it started basically just before my senior year of high school.  I just started my first job at McDonalds, I guess you can figure out what that means.  The worst part of working there was all the access to food.  I didn't have any problem eating so I did.  That was when my weight started going up and it just continued to rise all throughout my senior year and continued as well through college.  I didn't just gain the freshman 15 I gained like 50.

Fast forward a couple of years to 2003 and I was weighing in probably at around 260 or so.  I was looking forward to getting married and was so excited to be marrying my soulmate! Little did I know that 6 weeks before the wedding he would call the whole thing off because without going into great detail he got "cold feet".  In the weeks and months following the break up I made a lot of bad choices in my life.  Thankfully through the support of family, church, and friends I was able to get through that trying time.  I also turned a lot to food and probably gained another 10-20 lbs.  Fortunately for me I was able to work out the things that had held us back the first time and finally on October 29, 2004 I did marry my soulmate.

When we first got married children weren't very far from our minds.  We did know that we wanted to wait at least a year or two before having any though.  During that time my weight slowly kept creeping up and I crossed over into that 300 lb zone.  When we finally decided that we were ready to start a family well you know what happens then.  At first neither one of us thought much of anything when nothing happened but we both knew at that time we were having issues with Steve breaking his arm and requiring surgery and then again when he had to have his gallbladder out and so on.  We finally realized that we needed some help and we were both tested and cleared of any problems.  I think at this point was when I started thinking that my weight which at that time was probably 310 lbs was causing the main problem and I needed to do something about it.

I tried dieting but would only lose a few pounds only to gain it back plus a few more.  I was discouraged when that would happen on top of being discouraged about not be able to get pregnant.  I had talked with my Dr. and she had decided to start a few cycles of Clomid.  For those of you who don't know that drug it just makes you ovulate more than one egg.  Went through several cycles of clomid and nothing and again I was extremely discouraged and again my weight went up.  After those cycles both Steve and I being as frustrated as we were decided together that we were going to stop everything and just "give up" for awhile.  I think it was then that I really started to pursue the possibility of weight loss surgery.

I did all the internet research I could I went to a seminar and learned as much as I could and which option I would choose.  I also got a lot of teaching from where I worked and I think that ultimately made up my mind of choosing to do the surgery.  To touch briefly on the process of getting insurance approval depending on your insurance will depend on what you have to do.  I had to go through several dr appointment including a pysch eval and seeing a cardiologist and going through a stress test.  I also had to do a monitored diet.  At first I thought yeah right there's no way I can do that but I decided to give weight watchers a try.  I did the whole thing and counted "points" and watched what I ate and tried to excerise but at over 300 lbs it's kind of hard to exercise.

So I had made my decision to have the lap band not only for my own health but if anything to be able to get pregnant. What ended up pushing the whole thing a lot faster than maybe I was ready for was me needing to have my own gallbladder taken out.  So on May 1, 2009 weighing in at my heaviest at 329 lbs I went in to have my gallbladder out and the lap band put in.......